Sleepless Nights

Another attempt at an early night gone awry.  Too often did Anthony end up lying in bed, uncomfortable, mind racing, the metaphorical darkness swamping him.  Every conversation mulled over, searching for flaws in the discussion, looking for lies that were not there.  For years he had been subjected to lie after lie so he often doubted himself even after he could categorically prove himself right but Sophia would always come up with some excuse or other that would be just plausible enough to make him doubt himself all over again.

Perhaps he didn't want to be right?  Perhaps she was actually telling the truth?

The darkness always mocked him in her tone of voice.  Always had that wry smile when the doubt set in.  He had to free himself from this.  He picked up his phone from the bedside table and looked at the time.  It was 2:30am yet again.  He wanted to call Alexandria, wanted to check on her, wanted to know she was alone and not another cheat out to taunt him about his own perceived inadequacies.  He paused, looking at her picture on the contact screen.  She was smiling, not just with her mouth but with those gentle grey eyes of hers, eyes he could lose himself in.  He smiled, turned the phone off again, put it down on the bedside table again and rolled over to try and sleep again.

This time the darkness was only the night and he felt calm as sleep gripped him at last.

A morning's musings

Anthony flopped down in the chair, throwing his bag on the floor as he did so.  His hair was wet, body aching, breathing still a little laboured.  It was a typical Monday morning.  Since leaving his job to look after his young family as a single father, Anthony had to fill his time trying to work out what to do with his life, how and when he would return to work, or indeed if he even wanted to carry on in the same industry when the time came.

Going to the gym took up some of the time between school runs, housework and constant washing of the children’s clothes.  Anthony wanted to train, wanted to get fit, wanted to get strong.  As with seemingly everything else, setback after setback derailed his plans and here he was after the first training session in two months, thinking that he had set himself an easy goal, feeling like he had done a full rugby match rather than the thirty minute circuit and cardio session he had carefully planned out for himself.  He was going to ache tomorrow he knew but tried to find the motivation to get his bag emptied, kit in the washing machine so it would be ready for the session tomorrow.

“Is this all I am?” he thought to himself, breathing a huge sigh and not quite sure whether it was from the darkness closing in on him again or just his heart rate finally returning to normal. 

He leaned back in the pale leather reclining chair he had been given as a gift from family. 

“Do they see me as someone to take pity on? Someone who needs help all the time? Needs hand-me-downs?”  Anthony’s mind was at its most destructive when he was tired and alone in the house and last night had been a nightmare to get to sleep.  In fact, nightmares would have been preferable to the hours of just sitting in that chair, surfing mind-numbing websites full of no actual content.  The vicious cycle of tiredness and caffeine was well and truly in swing already and it was barely eleven in the morning.  He willed the darkness away and tried to shake the bad thoughts from his mind.

Anthony stood to go fetch his cigarettes.  As he did his back complained, stiff already from what should have been a very basic workout.  He cursed silently.  He was not old by any long shot, just shy of a month short of the middle of his thirties, but as his close friend Ian always said, it’s not the age it’s the mileage and how much mileage had Anthony been through in the past few years?  He didn’t even want to try and work it all out.  All the mess he had made of his marriage,  moving on too quickly, having what started as heaven turn into hell as he experienced domestic abuse first hand, then starting afresh and desperately trying to do the right thing, not just for himself and his kids but for everyone he came across.

His phone beeped.  Shaken out of his daydream, Anthony picked it up to look at the message.  His new girlfriend was having trouble with her ex again.  Sometimes all Anthony wanted to do was confront Steve about how he treated Alexandra, but she was mature beyond her years and wanted to try and keep everything amicable for the sake of her daughter.  He could see the pattern as clear as day, had been on the receiving end all too recently.  Alex was being abused by her ex even now but he had pledged support so after telling her what he saw, Anthony just helped pick her back up after Steve battered her down again.

One thing was different with Alex than it had been with other people.  There was an intrinsic trust and companionship that Anthony had not felt before.  He didn’t feel inadequate, didn’t fear that when she was with her male friends or her ex that she was going to do anything.  In the few short months they had been together, Anthony had felt his confidence starting to return.  It wasn’t completely back; the demons and darkness were still there.  He was more aware of them now, more able to hold them in check with his will.  They were losing strength daily and one day, he hoped, they would all but vanish into a faded memory of the journey to this point.  Sure they fought back on days like today but at least he had the presence of mind now to acknowledge them for what they were.

It was time for the lunchtime school run.  His daughter was only in nursery so he picked her up every day at lunchtime.  He grabbed his phone off the low table next to the recliner and, back protesting at every movement, lifted himself off the chair and looked for his coat.

“Where the hell have I put it this time?” He mused.  This was quickly followed by thoughts of forgetting his own head if it wasn’t screwed on.  He couldn’t quite grasp how he could put something down and five minutes later have no clue or recollection of what he did with it.  The amount of times he had not locked his front door because he couldn’t remember where he put the keys worried him.  He saw his jacket draped across the sofa opposite, slipped it on and, checking the pocket for the keys which were actually there for once, stepped out into the early winter chill for the walk around to the school.

About this Blog

This blog is for me to start documenting some of the ideas for short stories and general dramatisations - perhaps one day I will get them together into a single volume but for now I will just be posting the sections I write each day/week etc.